


oeil de perdrix

by Pyroluminescence



Category: Persona 4
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Author is Transmasculine, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Gender Dysphoria, Hurt/Comfort, Long-Term Relationship(s), M/M, Post-Canon, Pregnancy Scares, Trans Hanamura Yosuke, Trans Male Character, Trans Male Pregnancy, fics written while drunk off of franzia, its subtle but its there, we post our drunk franzia fanfiction we wrote in 2018 and we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:13:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25663423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pyroluminescence/pseuds/Pyroluminescence
Summary: He found himself trying to speak, but no words coming out. All he wanted was to not be here, for this to not be happening, to keep hearing Yu's voice."Partner? ...Partner?! Are you there?!"The barely-constrained panic in Yu's voice is what made Yosuke find his own voice again, speaking in several deep breaths what he needed to say before he could overthink it."Yeah, I'm here, partner. I haven't done it yet. ...Can... Sorry, can you come over? I don't think- I - ...Ican'tdo this without you."
Relationships: Hanamura Yosuke/Narukami Yu
Comments: 2
Kudos: 50





	oeil de perdrix

**Author's Note:**

> I usually don't post things I've written, especially trans hc things, and, perhaps most especially, trans headcanon things that I wrote over two years ago while drunk on Franzia. Like this fic. After a feelings jam with another Souyo friend on Twitter, I thought it might be important to share, and maybe it'll be what someone else out there needs, or will help them. Content warning applies for transmasculine pregnancy and trans dysphoria. Please keep yourself safe!

It was just a stupid pee stick, Yosuke told himself.

Years of managing his ADHD -- in a country where he'd been lucky that his ADHD was even _recognized_ \-- had taught him to take things one step at a time. Just hold on. One step, and then, maybe, the next step.

It wasn't that he was taking a pregnancy test, he had to tell himself. It was that he was _just_ peeing on a stick. That was all he had to do. After that, all he had to do was finish going to the toilet. And then, after that...

Oh, fuck, who was he kidding? No amount of rationalizing quelled the panic in his chest and ringing in his ears. It trembled down his limbs, making his fingers shake so much he doubted his ability to even _pee on the stick._

And what if he got _pee_ on his hands?! That was gross! He didn't want _pee_ on his _hands_ and

He was thinking about anything to avoid this, wasn't he? 

It was a stupid pee stick that would determine the outcome of possibly the rest of his life. Fuck, he might have to get an _abortion_ , and he didn't want to, and his heart was pounding so hard he felt like he was going to throw up. 

He put the pee stick, still in its plastic wrapping, aside, scared he'd break it from clenching his fists so hard. He slid down the wall he leaned against, next to the toilet, cold, fever-like chills sweating to the surface of his skin. He sat down on cold tile, the feeling - one he'd never even thought about before - of his abdomen folding naturally as he sat sending another wave of anxious nausea through him and making him shudder. He didn't want to be aware of that area of his body in any capacity right now.

_Stupid!_ Couldn't he do anything right? Why was _this_ so scary after everything they'd been through?!

Yosuke Hanamura had stared unflinchingly into the eyes of a murderer and met him with the energy and optimism of a boy who believed in the future. He'd called an _almighty goddess_ a _bitch_ to her face without a shred of fear, gone down to what he'd expected to be his death with a peaceful smile and an apologetic farewell to Yu.

But _gods fucking forbid_ he was pregnant. 

He managed to stifle the sniffling in his head and tilt his head back, scared to death of his eyes spilling over, of crying. He thought he'd wanted to be alone for this. He didn't want Yu to see him be so weak.

What was he so scared of? Yu had seen everything. He just...

He just...

Couldn't he do _anything_ without Yu? Wasn't there more to Yu than _him_? Didn't _he_ have his own identity outside of _Yu_?

All he had to do was convince himself that it was the strong thing to do, just for long enough that his shaking fingers could tap his contact entry for his boyfriend and press the green call button.

There was barely a second between him pulling his headphones over his ears and hearing Yu's voice over the speakers.

"Yosuke?"

He swallowed, overwhelmed just to hear the sound of his voice, a fraction of the tense exhaustion leaving his body as though he'd been thrown a life preserver.

He found himself trying to speak, but no words coming out. All he wanted was to not be here, for this to not be happening, to keep hearing Yu's voice.

"Partner? ...Partner?! Are you there?!"

The barely-constrained panic in Yu's voice is what made Yosuke find his own voice again, speaking in several deep breaths what he needed to say before he could overthink it.

"Yeah, I'm here, partner. I haven't done it yet. ...Can... Sorry, can you come over? I don't think- I - ...I _can't_ do this without you."

Yosuke was glad he didn't have time to panic, Yu's immediate response quelling _that_ particular anxiety. 

"Oh, thank gods, partner, I've been so worried, I just... I think- I think I need to be with you for this, too, I... I'll be right over, okay?" 

Yu paused for just a second.

"Five minutes. You're in your dorm apartment?"

"Yeah," Yosuke answered, trying to quell his breathing enough to discuss little necessities like _logistics_. "I'm in the bathroom. Not gonna move. Apartment door's locked - you have my spare key?"

Yosuke could vaguely hear the sounds of Yu getting ready, rushing, scrambling for his keys and wallet and hoodie and shoes and, Yosuke suspects, almost tripping over his cat. "Yeah, it's on my keyring. Leaving now."

"Stay on the phone with me?" Yosuke asked the question before he could think about it, too _scared to be alone_ not to. 

Yu's response was immediate, echoing his earlier relief when he'd been asked if he could come over. "Of course. I'm here. I'll stay on the line, of course. I'm - _no! Back, Take-chan!_ \- sorry, cat was trying to get out the door - I just left, I'm on my way."

The quirk of his tiny smile was inaudible to his cat-wrangling boyfriend and as much as the endearment of it never failed, when Yosuke tried to breathe a sigh of relief, he was met with, still, the same tightness in his lungs and icy grip on his viciously pounding heart as before.

_I just want Yu here,_ is all he could think, his hands clenching and unclenching into the fabric of his sleeves and squeezing just hard enough into his arms to pinch. The squeeze of almost-pain pulled his awareness away from his abdomen, _its existence its nausea - everything implied_ if he recognized right now the fact that he had a uterus.

He wanted Yu here, he wanted to pee on the stupid stick, and he wanted this over with, and, until that happened, being vulnerable suddenly didn't seem so weak of him.

"Keep talking, partner? About anything. What'd Take-chan do?" Yosuke's deep breaths no doubt were audible over the phone, shaky with the effort of steadying himself to calm the trembling under his face and down his limbs.

"Yosuke... You don't even have to ask. I'm here."

Hearing the smile in Yu's voice, his heart fluttered admidst the panic that felt like he was dying. 

"Well, she knows that running out the door gets her attention, and she was trying to get outside because she knows it'll make me chase her and pick her up to bring her back... I don't know what's up with her today, but I think she can tell I'm anxious and she's worried about me..."

Listening to Yu's voice, Yosuke didn't feel like he was going to be okay. It filled his ears and pacified his racing mind, touched him warmly with affection, but the icy glacier of his panic wouldn't be melted by being breathed on with platitudes. 

Love didn't do that. Love wasn't supposed to do that, went so much deeper.

Nothing in the interim could happen to change it: he was certain that the pee stick would just confirm what his uncanny intuition had been screaming, what his own body had been telling him loud and clear.

He just felt like he could hold on. Five minutes at a time. Hold on. That was how he'd always made it. 

Hold on. Hold on and keep staying forward. However he accomplished that, whether he needed help or not, it was always the strong thing to do. He was sure of it. 


End file.
